'I'm numb': What it looks like to 'quietly quit' a marriage

"Quiet quitting" began as a social media trend where workers were encouraged to avoid burnout in their jobs by doing only the bare minimum. Some women are applying that to their romantic relationships.

From the outside, Elodie's marriage looks pretty ordinary.

She and her husband are busy working parents of two young kids, going through the motions.

But Elodie, not her real name, has been quietly quitting the relationship.

"I don't know anymore the person I loved and spent decades with," she says.

Having children led to a shift in their relationship, Elodie says. And after a death in the family, her husband withdrew emotionally and romantically.

Elodie hasn't been able to reconnect with him since. And has given up trying.

Cassandra Shields is a clinical psychologist who has helped people with being, what she calls, "The Burnt-Out Pursuer".

Dr Shields says when one half of a couple is constantly trying to change the circumstances of the relationship, but getting nowhere, they don't always leave, but instead check out.

"The result looks like quiet quitting. It looks like 'I'm here, but I'm not really here … I'm almost numb because that's actually how I've got to function in order to make this relationship tick along.'"

"Quiet quitting" began as a social media trend in 2022, where workers were encouraged to avoid burnout in their jobs by doing only the bare minimum — just enough to avoid getting the flick.

Yumi Stynes, host of ABC podcast Ladies, We Need to Talk, explores what it's like when you apply that concept to your romantic relationship.

How big life changes can lead to quiet quitting

Quiet quitting usually happens after someone has poured a lot of energy or fight into making a relationship work, but their bids for connection have been ignored, explains Dr Shields.

It can often happen around big life transitions, such as becoming parents, going through perimenopause or moving into retirement.

"There is a transition in the nature of the relationship, requiring someone to step in more, step up more," Dr Shields says.

"We're requiring more of them, and if they aren't able to, then that can be profoundly disheartening."

Elodie says doing the bulk of the caregiving and domestic duties at home, while also being the higher income earner in the relationship, has taken its toll.

"I'm the one bringing most of what we need to live … I have this pressure of maintaining this, and at the same time, I'm the one doing most of what needs to be done at home.

"When it comes to school, medical appointments … it feels like things have changed a lot for me, but things haven't changed so much for him in terms of responsibilities," she says of becoming parents.

Things "really started crumbling", Elodie says, when her husband's grief was thrown into the mix.

"He would refuse to have any kind of difficult emotions ... [instead] having a meltdown or yelling.

"He would basically either shut down or become very angry."

Elodie says she finds herself walking on eggshells to manage her husband's mood.

The ways Elodie is quietly quitting her marriage

Elodie stopped trying to be intimate with her husband after bids for connection — even hugs or kisses — were repeatedly shut down.

"After we had our second kid, he completely refused to be intimate at all.

"I completely stopped when I realised that I felt like I was kind of almost forcing him."

Elodie says she has tried to talk to her husband about their drifting apart, but he would make excuses like being tired or busy.

So she began quietly quitting the marriage. While she continues to do everything in the house, Elodie says she is focusing on herself, kids and other relationships.

"I stopped sleeping in our bed … I see friends a little bit more … I don't organise anything for us.

"I'm basically living my life as a single mum."

'Empty inside'

Like Elodie, Vera has struggled in her relationship since becoming a mum.

After a traumatic birth with her daughter, she says her partner, while "very loving", didn't provide the support she needed.

"From housework, cooking to anything that I needed support with, I had to ask for it," says Vera, not her real name.

"And he would willingly do it, but there was no initiative. I don't think he has insight into how little he was actually doing."

Resentment grew further when Vera's dad died.

At the time, she had a toddler and was the sole income earner for the family, after her partner had become unemployed.

"I was unable to travel to be with my family, and I just had to go back to work after a few days and carry on.

"I was going through grief and being very isolated.

"That also hampered my attempts at trying to connect and revive the relationship. I just ran out of energy to try and do it."

Vera says she feels "empty inside" and worries about the kind of relationship they are modelling for their daughter.

"I feel I'm doing my child a great disservice that this is what she's seeing.

"She sees my frustration, and she also even says, 'Mama, why does Daddy sit on the couch on his phone and you're doing all the chores?'

"I'm like, 'Yes, why indeed?'"

The consequences of quiet quitting

So how can you tell if someone has quietly quit a relationship? Dr Shields says it's helpful to look at the three pillars of secure attachment that healthy relationships have.

Someone who has quietly quit a relationship is not accessible, responsive or emotionally engaged.

"If you're quiet quitting your relationship, then you're missing out on a whole part of connection and love and attachment and intimacy that I think we all need as humans.

"And it also means that our partners aren't getting an opportunity to really be loved, as well.

"We're not getting fully loved, and they're not getting fully loved, and that's kind of shit."

But ending a relationship to find love elsewhere isn't simple for everyone, says Dr Shields, with things like culture, faith and finances playing a role.

For some women, it's about waiting until the "right time" to leave.

That's true for Elodie, who isn't planning to separate from her husband — yet.

"He made it very clear that he would make things difficult if I left.

"I don't have the mental space at the moment to deal with things going really ugly.

"I'm staying until I have enough a bit of money on the side to do what I need to do."

Vera, who also feels financially trapped, says she's given up on what the relationship once was, instead focusing on making the best of what it is now.

"It seems to be a friendship."

While she does worry about the implications of leaving, she hopes in several years' time, things will look different.

"I'm hoping to be happily co-parenting from separate homes

"There's a lot of love there. I just wish I could reciprocate that.

"I feel like I just can't do it anymore. And I think we're years past that now."